Latvia Part 1

A few years ago my friends and I started an entertainment company which is called Faded Industry Entertainment. Faded Industry Entertainment (fadedindustry.com) started out booking live acts/shows in the Pittsburgh area and quickly took over the nightlife scene as well. A little over a year into our business we were approached by a gentleman who goes by the name of Noah. His goal was to import various spirits from all over the world and sell them in the US. That company is Premier Innovations Group. (premierinnovationsgroup.com)

These are the chronicles of our adventures starting up an International Imports company. The tale starts with our main focus, our VODKA.

 

 

This story, like so many others, is one that I tell a lot. In June of 2007 I traveled to Latvia with my partners, Frank and Noah. At the time, we had no knowledge about the country and I am going to guess that you don’t even know where it is. Latvia is a Northern European country which borders Russia and the Baltic Sea. Our reason for going was to negotiate the deal and purchase of our Vodka from the distillery.

FastForward >>

Me Frank & Noah Depart NYC-Over Atlantic Ocean-Land in Sweden-Puddle Jumper to Latvia-Grab Bags-Check into Hotel-Eat food-Back at hotel-Time to drink

9pm Latvian time: We drink because we do not know what the streets of Latvia have in store for us and we want to experience the nightlife. Time goes by, shots go down, we want to wait until the sun goes down before we go out.

1130pm: I open the curtains in our hotel room and it is still light outside. Am I really this drunk? Where normal people live, it is dark out at 11:30pm. Completely dumbfounded we decide to walk out to the streets. The elevator is small and narrow in our hotel, it stinks of B.O. Around midnight the sun finally decides to check out what the other side of the planet looks like. The streets are desolate, the moon is happy to see us and we are hammered. We come upon someone who speaks English standing in the cobble stone town square, they explain to us that it is the first day of the Summer Solstice which, in Latvia, is a giant party. Excited to hear of this we ask about where the party is going on at. He tells us that the party happens out in the countryside so everyone leaves the city. I am not sure how they celebrate but I hope they were in the same state of mind that I was. We spend about 10-15 minutes talking to English speaking person and I look up in the sky and notice something- the moon is gone! When we first started talking I could clearly see the moon above the buildings. Remember this, I am wasted as well as jetlagged, Midnight looks like noon, and now the moon is gone. I take a few steps back while looking up in the sky and I find the moon only it was hidden behind a building we were in front of. Within the 10-15 minutes we sat there talking English speaking guy the moon moved a distance which from where we see it would take 2 ½ hours. I literally lined up the edge of the moon to the corner of the building with my eye and could see the moon slowly move behind the building. A few hours later the sun would be back up and it will be about 2:30 or 3am. The Sun is a greedy dick in that country.

ADVICE FROM PAT

When taking a trip to Europe, do not watch the movie Hostel before going. This was not only my first time ever traveling to Europe but also Latvia is not for tourists. How many of your friends that backpacked through Europe stopped in Latvia? Or for that matter came back and even knew that Latvia existed. For those of you who have seen Hostel, the way the town looked in that movie is the way the town looked where we were.

We walk through the honeycomb streets looking for a club to go to. The town looks fake, I feel as if I am on a movie set for a film that dates back to the 1800’s. Our search comes to an end when we come up a massage parlor, an intimidating gentleman is standing at the door and he tells us “20 Lat’s and Free Drinks and naked girls.” (20 Lat’s is equivalent to $40) He had a certain twinkle in his eye when he saw us, it was the type of twinkle that suggested, “Americans, very good, they will be easy to fuck over big time.” I did not give a shit, or even a hoot, when I hear free drinks you best believe that I am there. Also, certain members of the group were on a quest for “Hand Relief” and would stop at nothing until they got it. So we accepted and walked in.

I am not one who would ever pay for sexual favors. I don’t even like tipping strippers and unless they do something fantastic with a Racquetball and a wastebasket, they will receive nothing from me. For real though, if that happened and another girl got involved with a fly swatter, I guess I would tip them a dollar. Of course I would rip that dollar in half so they each get .50 cents. There have been many arguments about my not paying for SF statement. “If you take a girl on a date or you buy her drinks at the bar and you go home with her it is the same as prostitution.” All I say is get Elliot Spitzer on the phone and ask him about the subject.

Back to the Story

Intimidating Gentleman, which we will now call him, takes us inside and handles our financial transaction. We are standing in an actual massage parlor. I’m thinking to myself, where the fuck is the club? I can hear the faint sound of the bass hitting on the floor below me and I think to myself, shit, this place is in the basement. Intimidating Gentleman leads us down the steps to the club. All I can think about at this point is Hostel, we are going to walk into the basement be seduced by hot women, knocked out, and wake up while some rich guy is cutting off my tongue and burning my nipples with a blow torch. It made even more sense to me when I realized that this club would not pass any Fire Codes in the US. I did not clearly see my choice of possible exits, where we came in is where we go out, but my mind cleared free of worry as we turned the corner and walked into the club.

First off just to explain what we walked into, this place was about the size of a five car garage. Dead center of the room was one stripper pole with a beautiful girl swinging around on it. When I say beautiful I am saying take the best features of Cameron Diaz, Jessica Alba, and Emmanuelle Chriqui, rip off their clothes and swing them around a stripper pole six feet away from you. This girl could turn a flaming homosexual straight. At the door a waitress introduced us to the club and led us to our seats. We sat down and she asked us what we wanted to drink. I asked for the usual, Vodka & Sprite. We never saw a bar, when the waitress would take our drink orders she would disappear behind the same curtain that the strippers came out of. The room was dark but had a good lighting system set up, nothing but velvet looking couches hugged the walls making the single stripper pole the center of focus. We were also not alone, across on the other side of the room behind the beautiful sex pistol swinging around the pole were two local kids who could have not been a day over 14. Other then that, we were alone cuz those lil bastards left 10 minutes after we arrived.

The waitress, who we will call Waitress, hands me my drink. I found it odd, my drink had no ice in it. At this point I did not know that they don’t put ice in any drinks over there so I just said fuck it and began to drink anyways. Holy F, this bartender was good, I would say the ratio of Vodka to Sprite was about a 90/10 split. When you have a drink that strong and that warm you only have one option, drink large quantities fast and eventually you will not taste it anymore. So that is what I did. The three of us are happy, we are in another country getting ready to negotiate a deal to purchase our own Vodka from the Russian Mob, we have free drinks, and there are hot naked chicks. At this point what could possibly go wrong?

Approaching our third round of drinks it feels like an episode of Entourage. The three of us at this point are the only people in there and Waitress is waiting on us as if we are international celebrities. Round four comes and I am drunk. I remember sitting there and thinking to myself, “You have to stay a little bit sober because when Intimidating Gentleman comes down to knock you out and sell you to the death factory you are going to chop him in the throat, drop that mother fucker, and gouge out his eyeballs.” All of that is not something you can do when you are not even able to stand up on your own two legs.

The next thing that happened is kind of blurry. I don’t remember a formal introduction or greeting, it was like I blinked my eyes and then there she was sitting on my lap, the Sex Pistol swinging Stripper Goddess. It took me a minute to realize it was her, maybe because she was half dressed this time, but I couldn’t have been happier. I take a look over at Frank and Noah, they too have hot girls sitting with them. Whoa, did this night just do a complete 180? Are we cruise’n to AwesomeTown?

Sex Pistol attempts English with me asking where I am from and what brought me to Latvia. Her trying to speak English was even hotter than her naked on the pole. I introduce myself and she introduces herself in a hot Russian accent, “I am Oksana.” (FLASHBACK: A few people that have traveled to Myrtle Beach with me know that I have always dreamed of being with a girl named Oksana. In Myrtle Beach the one year, I had my chance at an iHop and I blew it, I thought my days of finding an Oksana came to an end.) I think to myself, “Holy Fuck!” Not only is this girl amazingly beautiful with a hot Russian accent, her name is also Oksana. My journey is complete!

I was still on guard though, I know what strippers are after, they come and sit on your lap and then they ask you to come in a private room and get a dance. They take you in the back, dry-hump the shit out of your private region, take your money and leave you with nothing but an empty wallet and soul. Oksana, you may be a bonerific babe but you are not stealing my money you Russian Hooker Monster!

With this beautiful girl still on my lap Waitress comes over and offers me another drink. I order and Oksana says to me, “Can you get drink for me?” In disbelief I ask Waitress if that is ok, she smiles and nods her head in approval. Oksana takes the menu, points to a drink, and in my head I quote the great Glen Q, “Dear Diary, JACKPOT!” I am so on edge thinking she’s trying to scam a dance out of me and now all I’m thinking is I am going to get her drunk and do the Happy No-No Dance. The only catch was her drinks were not free but I did not mind. It now seems that our little pay for Sexual Favors talk before is a lot more relevant.

Frank and Noah also have girls with them who they have bought drinks for; this is going to be a good night. Waitress brings Oksana’s drink over, it was in a large glass and very decorative. I do not know what was in it but it was neat and fun to look at. She thanks me for the drink and explains to me that it is her favorite drink and she usually gets drunk pretty quickly off of them. We sat there and talked for a long time, at certain parts in the night she would have to get up and do a dance. I will tell u what, after sitting there as long as I did bull shitting with her, seeing her get up and dance again was a true treat. This girl was a Pro and she knew how to dance, she wasn’t up there just doing a couple tricks for a $1 tip like all the soul-less strippers here “working their way through college.”

She was on her 4^th or 5^th drink and I can not tell you how many I have had. I am drunk and I know she is defiantly catching up quickly. At one point she raises her glass to me and says, “Nostrovia!” I ask her what it means and she explains that it is the same as us saying “Cheers.” Like a stupid American, I do not say “Nostrovia” with the correct roll of the tongue but again, it was very hot hearing her talk so I kept making her say it. The more she said it the more I started to realize that I have heard that word before. All of the sudden that word seemed very familiar to me.

Me: Why have I heard that word before?

Oksana: Ahhh, I know

Me: Why!?

Oksana: American Cinemas, I don’t know film?

Me: What is it about?

Oksana: The man cut off toe….

Me: HOSTEL!?

Oksana: Yes! That is it, you hear “Nostrovia”

(I lean over to Frank)

Me: Dude, Oksana has seen Hostel

Frank: (Who is drunk, leans over and is dead serious when he says) So, does that stuff really go on here? Like is it legal?

Waitress comes back and asks me for another drink, again Vodka Sprite, Oksana grabs the menu and points to her same drink. I grab the double sided menu and I ask her what drink she has been getting. She points to it and I look at the price, 20 Lat’s. That is equal to $40 in America! I don’t even know how many drinks I got her but it was about 5 or 6 at this point. I flip out, I grab the menu, flip it over and tell her to order from the cheaper side. As I flipped the menu over my ranting came to a sudden halt. Out of all the drinks that were listed, one of them looked right up at me from the menu and said, “drink me mother fucker!”

Me: Holy fuck, I can have this?

Waitress: (smiles) Yes!

(Oksana also smiles and nods her head in approval)

Me: And its Free?

Waitress: (giggles) Yes, I will be back!

For those of you wondering, the letters that caught my eye read “Absinthe.” This is the part of the night where everything changes. No longer was I upset about my insane drink tab from Oksana, I was going to get way more drunk and possibly hallucinate. Growing up you always hear about Absinthe but I never thought I would be in another country and able to drink it. How could I pass up this opportunity?

Side Note

Fuck foreign currency, when you are hammered and you have a bunch of that in your pocket it seems like Monopoly money and you do not care about what is spent. I had Nickles that were worth $2, a half a dollar bill that’s worth $50, and a flyer in my pocket that I thought was a $5 bill.

I like to call this part of the night the Climax. From this point on it was all down hill. Waitress brings over two glasses, one is a Wine Sniffer glass and the other is a normal Rocks glass. This was not the traditional way of drinking Absinthe that I learned but Waitress told me what I needed to do. I will explain.

The Wine Sniffer glass held the Absinthe and the Rocks glass held from what I recall a little bit of Orange Juice. Waitress lit the Absinthe on fire in the Wine Sniffer poured it into the Rocks glass and then I took the shot. Immediately after pouring out the Absinthe Waitress slammed the Wine Sniffer glass face down on the table. After my shot I then took a small straw, lifted up the glass a little so I could get the straw in and I inhaled the Absinthe fumes that were trapped in the glass. The fumes burn my throat.

The taste of Absinthe alone is something I will never forget. It is like a mixture of Listerine and Gasoline. I am not hallucinating, I sat there waiting for Oksana’s head to turn into a Venus Fly Trap and try to eat me, but it did not happen. If her head did turn into a Venus Fly Trap I probably still would have gone for it though, just stating that for the record.

“Waitress, I want another!” I say while probably slurring every word. My goal was simple, I wanted to see crazy shit from this magical banned potion! In the end though, all the Absinthe did to me was fuck me up.

It is now around 4am. The breakfast buffet at the hotel starts at 5am so we decide to be on our way. The night was ending so I just went for it with Oksana. We start to kiss, a choir of angels appears singing the most beautiful song you have ever heard, but she abruptly stops and says she will get in trouble. I tell her to come back with us but she doesn’t get off work until 7am and there is no way in hell my brain would be functioning by that hour.

We must now clear off, I ask her for her number so we can meet up again while I am there. Her brother works in a restaurant and she asks if I would take her there. On the back of a flyer for the club she writes down her number, it was a long confusing phone number with a plus sign for some reason, I trust her that it is correct.

What happens next really pissed me off. As I stand up to leave Oksana grabs my hand, looks up at me and says, “Wanna go in back room with me?” You Son of a Bitch! The whole night that was spent on a couch could have been spent in a private room!? I was very upset, I think I said something along the lines of “You take all of my money and then offer me the sex room!” That’s the same as giving an empty can of bug repellant to someone in Ethiopia.

We leave the strip club with my empty wallet and soul in route for the breakfast buffet. The selfish sun is shining upon us as we walk back through the town square. This is where we met Max. Max’s job was to stand in the town square all day and drag people to the clubs like the one we just left. Apparently there are a lot more of these strip clubs nestled into the different alleyways all over the city of Riga. He was frail and always looked high and was sporting a jean jacket with a White Versace shirt underneath. Max told us that what ever we needed he would take care of, we snapped some pictures with him and went on our way to the breakfast buffet.

I don’t remember too much from the breakfast buffet. The three of us were hammered and most of the people there were just starting their day. The food is different over there, everything has just a different taste, even Hienz ketchup! I am very displeased with the food and we are probably pissing everyone off. I know that I would go to the buffet, get one of everything and not eat any of it. The last thing I remember is there were bowls stacked next to the cereal. Like a drunk idiot I take a bowl from the bottom of the stack and they all come tumbling down like the conclusion of a game of Jenga. It was very loud.

The next morning we wake up. I look in my wallet and realize that every single dollar I took on our trip was gone. Frank is hungover and explains to us that he just drank a ton of water out of the sink. Apparently you are not supposed to drink the water, Noah and I informed him of the inevitable shitstorm that was about to take place. We even called the front desk to prove it. I also later found out that I drunk dialed my mom. On the message I left her it said, “I found the love of my life, her name is Oksana and Im not coming home!” Definatly something my mother loved to hear. We have been in the country for less then 24 hours and now it was time to negotiate with the Russian mob and get our Vodka.

To be continued……..
Max

Gettin off the Puddle Jumper

After the Strip Club & first Max encounter

On way to BREAKfast Buffet

Elevator

Wasted

Noah Frank & Max